Scandinavians don’t always do it better

“Do you vant sometink to eat or do you vant only dis?”

“Only dis.” I look at the plate on the counter with mixed feelings. There is happiness: finally, finally, finally, I was allowed to heap vegetables on my plate, a real salad, and it looks damn tasty. And there is resignation, too: the way to here was difficult. They do offer so-called salads in Scandinavia on every corner, but then, What’s in a name? Well, this:

Almost every single Scandinavian salad, sold in local cafes or restaurants, ferries, camping sites or supermarkets, contains a kind of meat (kyckling meaning chicken in Swedish; tonfisk is of course tuna fish, while räk means shrimp), often also onions, or dead, sallow macaroni, dead eggs, mayonnaise and other stuff, no doubt added to attract your average Northerner, who must be chronically afraid of eating the REAL thing.

Wanna know about the real salad, das Ding an sich? Well, it will contain only a few tasty, ripe, non-Dutch vegetables and possibly dressings to choose from, if I want additives. But basically, I am a purist and I will really, sincerely go for the leaves:

And it’s not only me: you will meet tourists from Germany asking for their daily salad everywhere. Often in vain. I got mine once as a special treat, because I asked for it immediately after a blonde woman with a German accent had. They don’t do salads without main courses (mostly sausages) otherwise, I was told. Another time, I got one but it was sweet, containing pineapple (!), of all things.

Another thing I refuse to understand about Scandinavia is the general lack of good sandwiches. You will find most wonderful wholemeal bread in every single shop in Scandinavia, Swedish crisp bread is legendary and their cheese is delicious. So why did I have the choice between “maggot-mumpfs” (a name invented by yours truly: mountains of shrimps on white chapatti-like thingies, with mayonnaise and a sad slice of tomato), white-flour buns with ham, ham or ham or even with a slice of cheese, dead, and a sad, lonely slice of tomato?!?

Ervinator: I deserve your 10.000 EUR. I’d teach Scandinavians the holy urban art of eating well by means of a kiosk selling tasty and healthy take-aways. Like salads and sandwiches done the German way.